OZ ATV :: The Australian ATV Forum

[vjcrose]

Habib was trying to get a job in India


The Personnel Manager said, "Habib, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."
Habib said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Habib thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Habib said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Habib.'"
Habib now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have!

[vjcrose]

> BE STRONG HONEY!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then goes into the bathroom.

While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were
cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"

[vjcrose]

This is a cheap Anger Management Course with no fees!!!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out
on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone
you
don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make.
I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I
politely
said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a
manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***in number!" and the
phone
was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I
tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had
accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When
the
same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I
wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really
bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith
from the
Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said,
"That's because you're an
arsehole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy
in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited
for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot
ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down
his
number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, to
so.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes,
I
live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a
good
time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you
something?"
"Yes?"

"Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with
an
idea. I called arsehole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black
Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your
prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.

Then I called arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, arsehole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd,
Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there
just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in
front
of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[vjcrose]

Old farts eye chart


_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[fossil800R]

_________________
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying it!!!

[feralkid]

hahaha that is damn true. What a d1k head. If I done that mum would kick me to death.
_________________
"If in doubt go flat out"
"Nothing worth having is easy to get"

[feralkid]

A mate told me this one.
There is an Aussie, an American and an Asian on a ship.
The ship starts to sink so they start throwing things overboard.
The Asian says, "I have lots of rice in my country" so they throw the rice overboard.
The American says, "I have lots of oil in my country" so they start chucking drums of oil over the side.
Then the Aussie says " I have lots of these in my country" and chucks the Asain overboard.
_________________
"If in doubt go flat out"
"Nothing worth having is easy to get"

[Postie]

Email;

They call it P.M.S. because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs, a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't.

After a few weeks of Adam being by himself in the garden of Eden, he got lonely. So he went to God and asked for a companion. God said he would look into it and get back to him the next day. So the next day God went to Adam and said 'Here Adam, I can make a beautiful woman that cooks, irons, cleans, never complains and is pretty much just what you want, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg, what do you think' Adam thought for a few seconds and then asked 'what can I get for a rib?

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no point in two people remembering the same thing...

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

For sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. (Got married last weekend, wife knows everything).

Don't bother getting married - just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.

[Dingo555]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left the house, Little Johnnie's Dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears, and that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his Dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby..'

The mother said 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.'

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be buggared if he needed glasses'.
_________________
10 LTR 555 Dingo
06 LTR 94 Kay
Thanks for all the support and good advice
ATVPRO
Colac Motorcylces
Luke Beechey Motorsports
Proud supporter of Team Ironpot
No skills or good habits, just point it and stab it..!!

[Dingo555]

Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"62kg," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 70kg.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
_________________
10 LTR 555 Dingo
06 LTR 94 Kay
Thanks for all the support and good advice
ATVPRO
Colac Motorcylces
Luke Beechey Motorsports
Proud supporter of Team Ironpot
No skills or good habits, just point it and stab it..!!

[Dingo555]

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner
For too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
More. She takes you to court and screws you
In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.
_________________
10 LTR 555 Dingo
06 LTR 94 Kay
Thanks for all the support and good advice
ATVPRO
Colac Motorcylces
Luke Beechey Motorsports
Proud supporter of Team Ironpot
No skills or good habits, just point it and stab it..!!

[Dingo555]

The three Dolls in a man's life


1.........His Daughter, 'Baby doll'




2........His Mistress, 'Barbie Doll'




3..........His Wife, 'Panadol'
_________________
10 LTR 555 Dingo
06 LTR 94 Kay
Thanks for all the support and good advice
ATVPRO
Colac Motorcylces
Luke Beechey Motorsports
Proud supporter of Team Ironpot
No skills or good habits, just point it and stab it..!!

[Postie]

[fossil800R]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All the teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
4. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
_________________
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying it!!!

[vjcrose]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[Postie]

Old but gold,

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I
told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I
got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh "profanity removed".' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Dingo555]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are going through divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make
jokes about her false leg..... Personally, I think it's prosthetic


News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said
in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm
really stumped"


"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if
we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if
an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to
stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to
get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get
home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate
"I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try
Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river
_________________
10 LTR 555 Dingo
06 LTR 94 Kay
Thanks for all the support and good advice
ATVPRO
Colac Motorcylces
Luke Beechey Motorsports
Proud supporter of Team Ironpot
No skills or good habits, just point it and stab it..!!

[priesty]

The Old Lady and her Condom


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
_________________
The term "Foolproof" seriously underestimates the ingenuity of Fools.


08 700xx

[priesty]

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my d!ck and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b!tch...why else would I buy dog food??
_________________
The term "Foolproof" seriously underestimates the ingenuity of Fools.


08 700xx

[Big Jb TRX450]

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and then felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: 'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go.' But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.


Whispering.......




Dave.......








Dave........










Dave........











.........you're a vet Dave
_________________
04 TRX 450r
with a bit of this & a bit of that

[fossil800R]

A long one..but funny

For everyone who has a daugther and those who have dated them -

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENSE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ POSTODE______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________



ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother?_____________

Priest or Pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _______________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative
_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.



Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
_________________
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying it!!!

[fossil800R]

Gay terrorist "Osama Bin Shoppin"


_________________
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying it!!!

[fossil800R]

Why We Love Children


1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally
asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I
know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my
math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said,
'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy "profanity removed"! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If
I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
_________________
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying it!!!

[bushpig]

whats the diff between a blonde and a mosquito ?????????????????????????????????? a mozzie stops sucking when u slap it
_________________
BETA 2 BURNOUT THAN FADE AWAY

[Postie]

George Carlin....

1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

20. Electricity is really just organized lightning.

21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.