OZ ATV :: The Australian ATV Forum

[ATV PRO]

I saw this thread started on another site and I thought it would be a great topic for OZ Atv,I liked this one
A farmer was plowing his field when he noticed a small boy walking by pulling a wagon with a few rols of duct tape in it. He thought this od so went over to ask where he was going.
The little boy said" I'm going down to the pond and go duck hunting". The farmer laughed and said " stupid boy you cant hunt ducks with duct tape, you need a gun" the boy just smiled and went on his way, and the farmer got a good laugh and went back to his field.
A few hours later he saw the boy again pulling his wagon, but now it was full of ducks, and the boy just smiled and waved at the farmer as he went by. The next day the farmer was still working his field and againg he saw the boy pulling his wagon by. He couldnt resist so he went to see what the boy was doing today. When he got to the fence he noticed a crow bar in the wagon, and he asked the boy what he planned to do with that. The boy said " I'm going down to the woods and hunt crows". The farmer knowing this was quite impossible laughed very loud and exclaimed" there is now way in hell you are gonna get a crow with a crow bar" and the boy just smiled and went on his way. Later that afternoon the farmer was waiting by the fence for the boy's return, when sure enough here he came with a wagon full of crows, and he just smiled and waved at the amazed farmer as he walked by.
The next morning the farmer anxiuosly waited by the fence to see what the boy would have in his wagon. After a few hours he could see the boy coming down the path pulling his wagon. As the boy approached the farmer was puzzled to see a small tree in the wagon, he stopped the boy and asked" what the hell are you gonna hunt with a little tree??" The boy just smiled and said " thats not a tree it's a pussywillow", the farmer smiled and said "Wait for me while I go get my hat"
Cheers GNB
_________________
Cheers
Len

ATV PRO Pty Ltd

[ATV PRO]

And this
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town
and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll
have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to
him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar!!"

Cheers GNB
_________________
Cheers
Len

ATV PRO Pty Ltd

[Ozzy84]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big boobs."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

[Ozzy84]

Basic Guide To Aussie Life

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

All our best heroes are losers.

The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

[ATV PRO]

Some more
An Aussie was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in.
As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar.
He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fricken' crowbar from Bunnings."
_________________
Cheers
Len

ATV PRO Pty Ltd

[Tez450]

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed".



G,day All.
Tez.
_________________
05 YFZ450

[Tez450]

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?

The proud father answers: "17pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says ......... "Had him circumcised!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALL TRUE STORIES, FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE USA:

FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital.
During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime
was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged
between the folds of her vulva.


PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with
lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her
privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have
drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed
that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.


PING PONG ANYONE?----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass
in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with
concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his
anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then
hardened, (no "profanity removed"; Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general
anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along
with a ping pong ball. (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)


BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of
severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they
would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to
help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined
him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had
been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.


OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State
emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands
around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually
explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic
dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept
under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While
in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the
man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the
man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.


And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!!
_________________
05 YFZ450

Last edited by Tez450 on Fri Apr 28, 2006 10:59 am; edited 1 time in total

[Tez450]

BEST PICK UP LINE


An Australian is sitting at the bar in New York City and looks at his
watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting
nearby notices this and asks,
"Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!''
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running
about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is worth a read!!!



A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him

a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a

pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces

herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads:

"If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he

takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally

catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the

next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs

himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then

calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next

day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,

beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing

nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that

reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after

her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to

catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp

and wheeze,so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to

his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he

has lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and

calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?"

asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous

program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds

this huge,muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but

pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

I'm Francis.

If I catch you,

YOU'RE MINE"...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees

this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy

staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch

private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy

says,"What's wrong with you?"In a weak voice the little guy says, "What

EXACTLY did you say to me?"The big dude says, "I saw your curious look

and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone

always asks me: I'm 7 feet tall,I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch

private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3

pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."The small guy says, "Turner

Brown! ... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

"Turn around."
_________________
05 YFZ450

[Blaster Babe]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!

Broken furniture $185.26
Hot Breakfast $5.20
Red Rose bud $3.00
Two Aspirins $0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless!
_________________
(PeteW's missus)

Semi-retired while playing mummy to two

[ATV PRO]

where do sheep do there shopping?

at woolies
_________________
_________________
Cheers
Len

ATV PRO Pty Ltd

[Ozzy84]

Q: how does a new zealander find sheep in long grass:


A: very satisfying.

[Tez450]

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a (sausage).



_________________
05 YFZ450

[greenhuman]

What's the difference between a mine owner and a priest?






A mine owner gets his miners stuck in a shaft..........

[SIKMIC]

I thought id bring this thread back from the grave yard....... Its gold. Since there is alot more members now there has go to be alot more jokes to throw on here.
_________________
Mic

YFZ450
Thanks to ATV's Unlimited &
Luke Beechey Motorsports
mic902@hotmail.com

[bigjon]

SIKMIC wrote:

I thought id bring this thread back from the grave yard....... Its gold. Since there is alot more members now there has go to be alot more jokes to throw on here.

At least you could have brought it back with a joke.

Here's one-

Chinese man rings his boss. Me no work I sick. Boss says when I'm sick I screw my wife, try that. 2hrs later Chinese man rings back, me better, you got nice house!!!
_________________
Don't close your eyes during the crash, you'll miss the best part

[jackass 450]

Little Johny was out on a farm doing work experience when the farmer asked him to plough the field with the tractor. This took Johny all day. The next day the farmer went down to the paddock to inspect Johny's work. As he was walking around the paddock he noticed that there was one square meter missed in the middle of the paddock. The farmer asked Johny why he had missed this section of the paddock and Johny replyed that it was were he had lost his viginity earlier in the week. The farmer accepted this and kept walking just to find another square meter sectioned that had been missed. He asked Johny to once again explain himself to which he replied. That was were her mother was standing when I was doing the deed. Shocked the farmer asked what the mother said when she saw you doing this to her daughter and Johny replied

"MOO"

[darkchild666]

Here's one

Fourtrax!!!!!!!
_________________
Sold -06 ltr450

one industries sticker kit
cherrybomb and mods

[bigjon]

"MOO"....I like it, very funny!
_________________
Don't close your eyes during the crash, you'll miss the best part

[REDTED]

'MOO'...it scared the HELL out of ME when she 'said' it.
_________________
Cheers-Redted. 04 Raptor

[SIKMIC]

bigjon wrote:

SIKMIC wrote: I thought id bring this thread back from the grave yard....... Its gold. Since there is alot more members now there has go to be alot more jokes to throw on here. At least you could have brought it back with a joke. Here's one- Chinese man rings his boss. Me no work I sick. Boss says when I'm sick I screw my wife, try that. 2hrs later Chinese man rings back, me better, you got nice house!!!

I did..... look at my avatar. Thats what little kids watch for cartoons these day....
Ok so i didnt have a joke. my bad. lol
_________________
Mic

YFZ450
Thanks to ATV's Unlimited &
Luke Beechey Motorsports
mic902@hotmail.com

[John Mags]

True story.

Running late for a two day conference, I was about to leave when my wife says “Hey, don't forget to take a jacket" so I go back inside to get a jacket and on the way out I look my wife in the eyes and say, " Thanks honey. Where would I be without you? " To which she replies, " Probably a multi millionaire surrounded by swimsuit models.�
_________________
When I'm racing I'm living..... everything else is just waiting.

[bigjon]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
"He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and wired it altogether in an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

Next she takes off her panties and! says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here."

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies .. "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE."
_________________
Don't close your eyes during the crash, you'll miss the best part

[bigjon]

A man walks into a bar with his dog, walks up to the barman, and says "I'll have a beer thanks".

The dog jumps up onto one of the stools, and goes "I'll have one too thanks mate!!!!"

Shocked as, the barman goes "A talking dog!!!! Listen mate, if I give your dog $10, will it go to the newsagent for me and get today's paper?"

The dog grabs the $10, and as it's going out the door, says "No problems barman!!!!"

Anyways, an hour later, and the dog isn't back, and the barman and his owner a getting a little worried, so the owner decides to go and search for him.

Walking all around town, he finally find's his dog down a side alley, having his way with a female poodle.

In shock, the owner yells "What the hell are you doing? You've never done this before!!!!"

To which the dog replies "Yeah, I know, cause I've never had the money until now!!!!!!!!"
_________________
Don't close your eyes during the crash, you'll miss the best part

[bigjon]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully
placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it
strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of
Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite
impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe
he could be the future father my children" ?

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds
with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,
gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it"?

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says,
“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
_________________
Don't close your eyes during the crash, you'll miss the best part

[bigjon]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.

He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock�
_________________
Don't close your eyes during the crash, you'll miss the best part