OZ ATV :: The Australian ATV Forum

[vjcrose]

Never Take men shopping against their will


BANNED FROM K- MART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she
loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from
her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on lay -b y.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
K -Mart..
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[fossil800R]

The International Council of Man Laws.



1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.



3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and
eaten by his friends.



4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits
forever unless you actually marry her.



5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.



6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another

man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's

choice.



7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

weakest.



8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.



9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to

climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your

girlfriend.



10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and
only when it's free.



11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to
kick another guy in the nuts.



12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.



13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.



14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.


15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as
spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as
much as the other sports watchers.



16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain
sober enough to fight.



17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.



18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang
up
if necessary.



19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion

occurs about what a big mistake it was.



20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for

her to drive yours.



21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime,
green,
yellow, orange or sky blue.



22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 or a

Playstation- End of story.



23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics.
Ever.



24. Never wear a man bag to work.



25. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the
definition of each is listed below:



'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of

perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on

the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'





I hope this clears up any confusion,



The International Council of Man Laws
_________________
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying it!!!

[vjcrose]

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother

was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a

moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[vjcrose]

Murphy's visiting his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs
and get me slippers?'

'No bother' he says, and he runs upstairs.

And there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters,
sitting on their beds.

'Hello dere gals, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'

'Fook off ya liar!' they both say.

'I'll prove it,' Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of them, Paddy?'

'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[vjcrose]

Pierre, the brave French fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre , kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'

She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, Pierre, kiss me lower.'

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.

He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,

' PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@ DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[vjcrose]

Paddy met Mick in the street and said,

'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

Mick said, 'Silly buggers, the laugh's on them. I weren't home yesterday.'
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[vjcrose]

Marriage (Part I)Typical macho man married typical
good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the
following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I
want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any
hassle from you.I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go riding, hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me
a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?" His new bride said: "No,
that's fine with me. Just understand that there will
be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether
you're here or not." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[$$$TRAV$$$]

What is long haand "profanity removed" KIWIS



Primary skool
_________________
LTR 450
ELKA ELITES
LONESTAR A ARMS
LONESTAR STEM
LONESTAR AXLE
FLEXX BARS
DOUGLAS BEADLOCKS
ASV LEVERS
YOSHI PIPE
CHERRY BOMB
AC BUMPER
BLINGSTAR NERFS + HEELGUARDS
MAIER PLASTICS
SAVAGE SUZUKI GRAPHICS
RAZR 2S

[$$$TRAV$$$]

What is long, hard and "profanity removed" KIWIS



Primary skool
_________________
LTR 450
ELKA ELITES
LONESTAR A ARMS
LONESTAR STEM
LONESTAR AXLE
FLEXX BARS
DOUGLAS BEADLOCKS
ASV LEVERS
YOSHI PIPE
CHERRY BOMB
AC BUMPER
BLINGSTAR NERFS + HEELGUARDS
MAIER PLASTICS
SAVAGE SUZUKI GRAPHICS
RAZR 2S

[$$$TRAV$$$]

What is long hard and F*$@S Kiwis



Primary Skool
_________________
LTR 450
ELKA ELITES
LONESTAR A ARMS
LONESTAR STEM
LONESTAR AXLE
FLEXX BARS
DOUGLAS BEADLOCKS
ASV LEVERS
YOSHI PIPE
CHERRY BOMB
AC BUMPER
BLINGSTAR NERFS + HEELGUARDS
MAIER PLASTICS
SAVAGE SUZUKI GRAPHICS
RAZR 2S

[REDTED]

Hey Trav, a kiwi mate want to know how long before you graduate from primary 'SKOOL'???
_________________
Cheers-Redted. 04 Raptor

[priesty]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a
date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex
therapist....
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Too Hung Lo.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Too Hung Lo said, 'OK, take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.'
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.....
Dr. Too Hung Lo then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'

So she did. Dr.Too Hung Lo shook his head slowly and said, 'Your
probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why
you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God, Dr., what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Too Hung Lo sighed deeply, and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
_________________
The term "Foolproof" seriously underestimates the ingenuity of Fools.


08 700xx

[HoleshotQR#24]

did you hear about the women who said to her husband what turns you on more my sexy face or sexy body husband replies your sense of humour
_________________
Proud Member of QuadridersSA
www.dualroost.com.au

[buzzbro]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand
and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
_________________
I am old and wise because i survived young and stupid

[WHATEVER]

This is an old one ... but a little funnier when posted by Saffer trying to become an Aussie!!

Strailya Mate!
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from
the same one twice,' he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that
we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the
Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says,'In Strailya mate, we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the
same ones twice.'
_________________
Mikey got 3rd in the Nationals!!

It would not have been possible without the help of ...
Hustler ATV Racing
Thanks Dominic!!

[vjcrose]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'y'all ain't gonna believe this "profanity removed"...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

offended yet?
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[WHATEVER]

vjcrose wrote:

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo? An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

OR ...

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
The Aussie zoo has the animals are on the inside ...
_________________
Mikey got 3rd in the Nationals!!

It would not have been possible without the help of ...
Hustler ATV Racing
Thanks Dominic!!

[Dingo555]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having.

All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror,
Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says , 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says , 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says , 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
_________________
10 LTR 555 Dingo
06 LTR 94 Kay
Thanks for all the support and good advice
ATVPRO
Colac Motorcylces
Luke Beechey Motorsports
Proud supporter of Team Ironpot
No skills or good habits, just point it and stab it..!!

[vjcrose]

The Nagger





HILLBILLY DIVORCE



A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'



The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?



The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.



The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'



The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'



By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[priesty]

WHY GOD MADE MUMS


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

If you've got kids you know where this is coming from..
_________________
The term "Foolproof" seriously underestimates the ingenuity of Fools.


08 700xx

[vjcrose]

"Italian Tomato Garden"



An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He
wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work,
as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I
won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old
to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old
days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies
are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter
from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best

I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,

Vinnie
_________________
Family is most important.... next is our quads

[priesty]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

... And then the fight started

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*** **************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a set of scales.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the DSS to apply for my pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the DSS.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

_________________
The term "Foolproof" seriously underestimates the ingenuity of Fools.


08 700xx

[priesty]

A Cardiologist's Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes,
the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart
closed again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by
his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you
laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a
gynecologist."
_________________
The term "Foolproof" seriously underestimates the ingenuity of Fools.


08 700xx

[brooksy 00]

What has light beer and your sister got in common???


They both taste the same but you know its wrong!!!
_________________
Rio Tinto Racing

[sioux]

Aman comes home from work and asks his wife
Hun..say i was to tell you i won the lotto ...what would you do?
the wife replies ..id take half of it and leave you forever
the man says ..well heres your $6.00 so pack your stuff and leave now
_________________
THANKS ATVNRG - AUSTRACO